Everything is About Hunter Altman

The title is actually true
My Social Worker Called Me A Hippie
By Hunter Altman

A riot has uprisen locally, leaving many injured, and animal enthusiasts everywhere crying foul. The 2003 'Pretend It's Not Today, This Year or Even Any Time During The Lifespan Of The United States' jousting competition, scheduled to take place at Citibank Park last tuesday, was in effect ruined, says last year's winner, Sir Jimmie Brody.

"Those (expletive deleted) are ruining the tradition of a sport as old as the sport itself. To degrade it such, is unimaginable," Brody remarked.

The coordinator of the event, Tony Legardo, stood by his decision to change the centuries old tradition. In the previous jousting competitions, hundreds of competitors, peaking at 201 in 1999, dressed in knight suits, broke pieces of their metal fences off and sharpened the tips, and put together a fight to the death on their own respective horses. Many onlookers have questioned the ability for each of these competitors to own their own horses, as Long Island can hold claim to only 42 bred combat horses.

"How these people can do it with only local horses, I have no idea," Remarked Eric Norton, owner of 157 Imported From Kentucky Horses, Inc., prior to last years event. It seems that his question has been answered, or should I say, negated.

After being sponsored by Coca-Cola for the previous 18 years, human interest groups who say that this is a vicious way of legalized manslaughter have boycotted Coke, leading to their dropping of title sponsorship.

Their replacement? Sega Gamesystems, who decided to begin promoting a game for jousting with this competition. What ruined it for him, says Tommie Birch, is that the jousting tournament has been replaced by a video game console and TV screen.

"This is (expletive deleted). Sega sponsored Baseball, but did they make Sammy Sosa play Triple Play '99? What if his motor skills weren't great, huh? What then?"

'Ticked off', the applicants for the contest took their horses, whom they already placed down payments on, and literally kicked the crap out of the pre-installed Sega consoles, which dug glass into the hooves.

To sum it all up, everyone is pissed. Don't get in the way of a jousting competition. And don't say bad things about this, because as I write it, I'm barely coherent.

**Note- a new intriguing segment is coming up soon. Even ask Stephanie. She says it's cool. I think. But she was kind of preoccupied with red paper that almost looked like blood. And tape measures. Go forensics!

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