Everything is About Hunter Altman

Glad To Be Back, But I'm Still Away, But The Column Thing Is Back, But Still, I'm Away
note- I haven't updated in weeks due to being away in Hawaii. I'll be back on the 13th. More on that below.

How To Lose A Girl In 10 Days (and then ask an attendant to call his name over the PA and find her)
By Hunter Altman

Benjamin Geza Affleck. That competes with mine as one of the best, oddest middle names ever. Mine is Mattingly. But I'm not underrated yet. I haven't done jack yet. Except for The Math Flick. But it aggravates me. Reading up, I've noticed that Ben Affleck, who is in all his rights a very exceptional actor, is shockingly underrated. Now it sounds odd and pathetic, as well as a flat-out lie. But it's true.

Now, you may say 'That lucky bastard is marrying Jennifer Lopez, dated Gwenyth Paltrow, makes $15 mil' a flick (that's how you'd say it), and is currently scheduled to be in a crappy looking movie called 'Gigli'. Screw you, underrated.'

Well, let me first edit your statement. Jennifer Lopez (who shall henceforth be known to as 'J-That ****ing Hoe Who Is Trampled By Mandy Moore In Every Facet, Singing Or Acting, And I Haven't Ever Seen A Mandy Moore Movie Or Heard Any Of Her Songs In Literally About 3 Years, But Is Kind Of Cute And Was Never In Anaconda') is not my type, and is supposedly a b*tch. Gwenyth is spelled Gwyneth (but I'll give you that one, because I screwed that one up about 8 times myself).

$15 million a flick? Excuse me? Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back, thank you very much. In his own words, "You're like a child. What've I been telling you? First, you've gotta do the safe picture. Then you do it for art. And then sometimes you gotta do the payback picture because your friend says you owe him." Then they paused and looked at the camera. That's one of the best running jokes in a movie ever, the recognition that it's a lame film. That made it great. Of course, it comes nowhere NEAR the best running joke to my knowledge, which is: "What, like the back of a volkswagen?". So you see, folks, he was in this film for cheap, and he was hilarious. He also said "Ah-HA! No, because I wasn't with a hooker today!"

None of you respect him anymore. "He made $15 million in Pearl Harbor, so screw him,". I'm going to go through a Ben Affleck timeline.

* He was in 'Voyage Of The Mimi'. Okay, I saw that show in ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. I was like 9 and I saw him trying to drink salt water, only his grandfather wouldn't let him. 'Dehydration'. Pff. But it was ENTERTAINMENT.

* He was in 'Dazed And Confused'. As far as I know, it's an acclaimed indie flick and it looks pretty funny. This film it seems led him to meet a Mr. Smith who cast him and co-star Joey Lauren Adams and co-star Jason London's brother Jeremy in

* Mallrats, one of the best bombs in cimematic history. It's just an ultimately watchable film, with classic jokes, like the one above. As the villian, Affleck rules.

* Following Mallrats, he and co-star Adams played lovers in Chasing Amy, a brilliant film. One of my favorites, if not as funny as Mallrats.

* Good Will Hunting. HE CO-WROTE THIS MOVIE! Top 250 on IMDB.

* Dogma. DOGMA PEOPLES! If you want anything on Dogma, I'll perform the Mooby scene for you. You all like the Kevin Smith movies.

Now, yes, Ben Affleck was in a bunch of blockbusters. But he was also in Boiler Room, The Sum Of All Fears (an excellent film), Changing Lanes (besides the ending, a very entertaining film). Boiler Room I'm especially partial to, as I'm currently studying one of his monologues. I loved how he played the 'Hitler Youth Rally' interview. But Ben Affleck has been overrated. Overrated and given the $15 million contract time and time again. And time and time again, he's been paid $15 million in bad films. Daredevil, I found entertaining but awkward. Didn't do nearly as well as it could have.

To keep from adding quote upon quote in this column, I won't mention the 'The New Guy' quote about the Pearl Harbor movie (speaking of which, I should be visiting within a few days).

Because of all of that, as well as comments that he 'sold out', he's been underrated. He's still a very talented actor. He has a flair for roles that include monologues. A girl named Pepper pulled out his 'love' monologue from Chasing Amy brilliantly in my acting class, and I'd love to say that I did my 'Mooby Board Of Executives' scene from Dogma very strongly. I don't think Affleck has a scene without a monologue in Boiler Room, sans the 'Wall Street' scene. Ben Affleck has been underrated as a talented actor.

Notes about my trip:
I picked the Boiler Room monologue to work on.

My Aunt's place wasn't very entertaining. Honolulu's cooler.

We went to a Comedy Club. Technically Improv. I had my Aunt challenge the comedians, that I could do better. Nothing followed. I did get a decent chuckle from the audience with a comment about Terminator III.

I performed my own performance at my last night at my Aunts. After Jen had tipped Aunt Risa off that I used to have... experience... in rap, Risa was begging for me to perform it. I waited until the last minute, and she offered me a free copy of her book in exchange. Printing money, I tell ya. So anyway, I got up and I did Jamie Madrox' verse from 'Ninjas In Action' on Jumpsteady's album. Then I did some improv, but without a decent partner, it was strugglesome. Me and Jen did okay on the 'ABC Situation' game. Then I did the Mooby scene. I had to check the exec's names online, but I was able to work it.

Jen got a CD from a group called 'Lords Of Acid'. I frankly enjoy it dearly. The people in Hawaii are so nice, but we tortured them, blasting a song about "cats".

I saw the LARGEST SPIDER of my life to this point, I would guess. Gotta be at least 3 inches by one inch. It was freaky.

Risa's beach was pretty cool. Me and Jen took a latenite walk at one point, which was pretty fun. But it was so dark.

Getting heinous in public places: NOT GOOD HUNTER! BAD HUNTER! I'll just say my CD player wears it's scars proudly. And me and dad cooled off. The fireworks were okay.

We saw Daredevil on the plane, it was decent, but uneven.

I read the book for Identity, as did Jen. Last night in fact we were able to watch it on LodgeNet. Jen thought the movie to be laughable but loved the book. I loved them both.

The plane ride from Kakadoobie or wherever we were to Honolulu ruled. It was like 15 minutes long. Me and Jen had a seat in between us, and I had NO seat in front of me. It was the emergency spot. Legroom, legroom, legroom, legroom.

Me and Jen got to go out and walk around last night. Not too much to do out on the town. I did get to go into a porn shop though. I didn't mean to. It was Japanese and I was looking for Ringu 2 and Ringu O: Basudei (thats how you say it, right?). Jen laughed at me.

I'm probably missing a lot... I'll mention more later.

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