Everything is About Hunter Altman

Chicken Flying Over Grass
This topic has been discussed before by myself; I felt like writing it.

Chicken Flying Over Grass
by Hunter Altman

Entering the 10th grade, I had very few friends. They were all my age. Out of my core three best friends, I had dated the same girl as Mike once, I had dated the same girl as Sean once, and I had dated Rach. You could say that was a good love life, but it really wasn't. Well, as the year hit its midway point, and my Physical Education (violent death) class ceased to harass me, I was entered into a new course. I tend to call it 'acting', although it can also be known as 'restraining tempting ideas to attack unnamed people whose names start with A'.

However, there are pluses to it. I discovered a side to myself I never knew existed: Little Tommy Birch, sad 8 year old boy who gets made fun of, loves his mother, and has a strange fetish for water bottles. I also discovered some great new friends: Michelle, Stephanie and Sindhu. In that order (wink wink). Now, there's a catch to the three of them. They all happen to have had more sexually active parents, all of whom had mastered the art of conception approximately 12 months prior to mine.

This is not to say that my parents were prude or virgins. My father, going to Nathaniel Hawthorne College, was repeatedly chastised (and apparently nearly kicked out) for having women in his dorm room. Those who have read The Scarlet Letter will note the irony. Dad also got in trouble for, I believe, knocking over a soda machine. No word yet on whether he's ordered pizza while on a school bus. More on him later.

Now, the parental habits of the predecessors of my acting compadres had two consequences: they recieved pleasure earlier, and they came out with beautiful baby girls who, in the year 2003, will be attending their junior proms: where the best of all DJ's would have a broken turntable and stereo.

Now, I have no problem with pop music. Their singers tend to either have good vocal skills or breasts. I have no problem with gangster rap. It's funny. But if I am to spend an entire night being serenaded by Eminem and 50 Cent while trying to sweet talk my girlfriend, then my years in therapy have failed. Don't yell at me for being picky though. "Oh, Hunter only likes crazy underground music that nobody else likes, why should he complain?"

Well, out of today's 'popular' music, theres maybe one or two musical groups I enjoy... and they're rock/metal. But you never see rock music, except for the lame type... and don't get me started on Avril Lavigne... at prom. Meanwhile, you're slowdancing to 'I Killed My F*cking Mother So That There's No Evidence Of Me Being Born' by a generic rapper. See, this is why wiggers, for lack of a better term, go to prom and occasionally stand outside to fulfill their nicotine addictions. Meanwhile, the goth, metalheads and juggalos are all at home getting high.

And the school wonders why dance attendance is so damn low?

I, however, have come up with the greatest simple solution that everybody will love. 1970's rock and roll. Pink Floyd. The Eagles. Wings. The Band. The Who. Even the Beatles can be added to the list. You might call me crazy, but I feel I make a point. Think about it.

* Hippies and people, such as myself, who were brought up to love that type of music in the first place. A total victory. Thank you, Dad, for the constant Beatles. It's the music they love, and they're totally satisfied.

* Drug addicts and stoners, no matter what type of music they like... come on... Jimi Hendrix, Pink Floyd, name a rock band/star from that era who wasn't the complete druggie or pothead. Being an alcoholic was getting off light in that period. Druggies like their fellow druggies, and plus they were pioneers in the usage of controlled substances. Even if they spend the entire night going "Dude! Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds is about LSD!", they'll still be satisfied.

* Metalhead and rockers love oldies rock. It's great music with great messages and also some of the most talented rock musicians in the history of music. They have dozens of MP3s from the '60s and '70s, I guarantee it. It's their music too.

* Anarchists and anti-war people; John Lennon anybody? That's one of the root issues the music of that timeperiod deals with. They'd love it.

* Pop fans will enjoy the music because it's a pure hybrid between hard rock and pop music. Plus some songs, Beatles especially, have a love subtext.

* Teachers will love the music because it's THEIR music. From THEIR time. Heck, they might even love it so much that they space out and ask a pothead for a hit of their stash to get back in the mood.

Complimentary headsets will be available to anyone who doesn't fit on the above list. But be warned, the only CD we could find for them was the Dixie Chicks...

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